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Hetalia yaoi fanfiction by hyperanimefan

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September 14, 2012
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((Does have Spamano in it as well))

My amber eyes were burning.
Stinging
aching
Just watching my brother dancing and smiling with his… new husband… made me want to scream and rip these curtains behind me to shreds. I knew I would probably do that If I hadn't had this much control. I knew I would have done it, because my fingers were twitching and my claw like nails were digging into my palm.
I could feel the hot and sticky blood dripping down my palm, just like how any form of positivity was leaving my heart.
I could see how happy he was with the German, and how happy the German was with him.
But why couldn't I be in that stupid potatoes place?!
'Come on, Feli… you're my brother, that has to credit for something. Can't you feel me; can't you feel the pain that's slowly killing me?'

Held my breath as the last wave pulls me under, under
What doesn't kill you makes you so much stronger, stronger
Can you feel this pain?
Rushing through these veins
Driving me insane,
But I won't break,


Months had passed since their wedding, and now I hardly ever talked to my brother. He was always on my mind, and I wanted to speak to him badly, but I just… couldn't.
I knew my mouth would get a mind of its own if I started to speak to him, and if I saw that fucking ring on his finger…
The one that made that fucking German own him, I would lose control of myself.
"Ugh, stop it, you're a man, grow a pair" I snarled to myself, throwing the lovey dove couple out of my mind.
Running my hand through my hair, I looked up into the dark blue sky, blotted with violet and black. The stars stood out the most, and that's why I loved them. They were so bright, just like his smile…
"Now you sound like a swooning school girl" I mumbled to myself, tugging my hair slightly.
"Do you always talk to yourself, Lovi?"
I spun around and saw Antonio snickering at me. My sorrowful eyes instantly stopped him though, and his grin tuned to a sympathetic smile.
"Yeah, I suppose so. Your too happy for your own good to listen to me" I smiled slightly back at him, honestly thankful I had him with me as well.
He was the only one who knows that my love (sibling and lover wise) was dedicated to Feliciano, and he knew how much it killed me to see Ludwig and Feli together.
"Aw, you're cruel, Lovino!" He grinned from ear to ear, and of course it was contagious. I felt a smile start to creep along my face as well, before I snapped my head around and started laughing in my arm, not wanting him to hear me.
God damn bastard and his contagious attitudes!
"Lovi~ don't hide your laugh! It sounds good!" The bastard's voice rang out, and I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pull me against his chest.
"Stop it bastard, lemme go!" I struggled in his arms, but I didn't sound so fierce with giggles pooling out of my mouth.  I could feel Antonio smiling into my hair when I continued to struggle, but he was smiling because he knew I meant it half heartedly.
"Come on, I want to try something" Antonio murmured gently into my ear, nuzzling the side of my head quickly before jumping up to his feet and holding a hand out for me. Raising an eyebrow in confusion, I took his hand and he hoisted me up with a grin. He pulled me up hard enough to make me slam into his chest with an 'oof!', then one of his hands rested on my hip, while the other was still holding onto my hand.
"What are you doing bastard?" I grumbled, although I already knew. I placed my hands on his shoulder, making his smile grow ever brighter than the stars in the sky.
"You remember how we used to dance when you were younger? You'd step… stomp on my toes, and then I would start dancing. You used to love it!" Spain chuckled, nudging his foot against mine. Taking a hint, with a grin, I lifted my foot up and stomped on his. He winced slightly, so I was lighter on the other foot. Once my feet were on top of his, and his arms holding me securely, his feet started to move slowly underneath the stars, humming gently to himself.
"… Why are you so nice to me, Antonio?" I whispered after a few seconds of dancing, causing him to stop humming.
"Well, Lovi, you're one of the closest people to me, and you're hurt. I hate to see someone like you hurt, in agony over someone that doesn't love them back… I raised you Lovi, being nice to you is second nature. Sure, you may be a bit hurtful at times… but I love you, and nothing you say will ever change that" Antonio had whispered the last sentence into my ear, and I froze against his chest.
He… he loved me?
"Let me help you forget Lovi, let me try and ease the pain mi amor… "He continued on, his voice laced with desperation at this point.
What could I say…? Antonio had helped me, but… I still missed and loved my brother…
Without a word said, I placed my hand on the side of his face and kissed him gently, my way to say 'yes, please, try and save me'

I won't look back tonight,
This is the time of my life,
Underneath these stars,
I'm dancing with a broken heart,
Fight fire with fire,
The truth to a liar
I'm going higher,
Dancing with a broken heart


More months had passed after my first night with Antonio, and even though Feliciano was on my mind then, I didn't regret giving myself to Antonio.
I could trust him. He wouldn't run off and marry someone else.
'It wasn't his fault… you never told him
"I thought I didn't have to" I whispered back to the voice inside my head, my heart tugging painfully. Ugh, grow up, Lovino! You're acting like a child-
'You're only human'
"Piss off, voice" I growled, climbing out of my bed and headed towards the window, looking out as the bright sun flooded the land with sunshine, singing birds and squealing children. I hadn't moved in with Antonio, and we were both fine with that. I wanted my own privacy, and he respected that.
I think he knew I was still in love with Feliciano…
"Better get ready for the world meeting then…" I sighed, closing the curtains again and headed towards the closet.
'are you going to be able to do this…?'
"I am Lovino Vargas, the representative of South Italy. If I can't face my brother, I shouldn't be who I am today" I announced to myself, a little flame of determination and courage lighting up in my chest.

I'm gonna bury all the past just six feet under under,
I'm gonna make you stumble like lightning and thunder, thunder
I won't let dogs lie
In the peace and quiet,
Moving on to another time


I felt guilty in saying this, but I didn't want Antonio to be here yet. I needed to face this alone, for the first time at least.
I was lingering by the door, uncertain about what to do.
"Bolt or stay, bolt or stay, bolt or stay?" I groaned loudly, running my fingers through my hair again. My eyes snapped open, I made my decision. Puffing up my chest, I turned around and marched the other way and began to ran
"Bolt!" I yelped, terrified of the fact that the man I truly loved was on the other side of the door, and was probably cooing and being adored by that… that… thing!
"Oof!" I yelped loudly when I accidently bumped into something, my heart freezing when I saw who it was. Oh fuck, just what I needed.
"Ah, Bonjour Lovino! What are you doing out here, all… alone~? " The French man grinned sleazily, along with this usual dirty laugh.
"Ugh, that's none of your business! It's not like I'm running from my brother or- Shit!" I snarled, covering my mouth and started to shuffle backwards. Francis blinked in surprise, and tilted his head to the side.
"… Lovino, why would you run from your brother? He's still the same man; the only difference is that he's… married. Oh, Lovino, don't tell me…"
"Shut up!" I growled, baring my teeth slightly at him "Just, shut up! I can't help it, if I could stop it I would, but I'm in fucking love with him!" I cried out, tangling my fingers in my hair and pulling at it violently.
"Lovino Vargas, let go of your hair now! Come on, big brother will help you" The French frog sighed in defeat, tugging my wrists away and helped me up, rubbing my back comfortingly. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, and then looked up at Francis in fear.
"How am I going to go in there…?" I fumbled, looking down at my shoes "I can't just… watch the both of them so close to each other…"
"Ah, sweet little Italian, I wouldn't fear. I think your brother might not be so close to Ludwig today" He chuckled with a half smile before wandering towards the doors.
"What do you mean by that, bastard?" I called out, but he just waved me off and entered the room. Curiosities eating me alive, I ran towards the doors and peeked inside, the sight catching my eyes making my heart explode with pain.

I won't look back tonight,
This is the time of my life,
Underneath these stars,
Dancing with a broken heart,
Fight fire with fire,
The truth to a liar
I'm going higher,
Dancing with a broken heart,


Yes, Feliciano was there. Yes, the German was there, but that wasn't it.
Ludwig looked confused and flustered, while Feliciano had his face hidden in his arms, his back shuddering from the sobs that I could clearly hear.
"What the fuck are you doing, Ludwig? My brothers crying and you're just looking at him!" I shrieked, running over to Feli who still hadn't looked up.
"I don't know what to do!" He growled at me, his piercing blue eyes stabbing right at mine "I would help him if I could! Listen to him, listen and then you'll know why! If you had kept your trap shut in the hallway, this wouldn't have happened, you disgusting brat!"
My eyes widened in shock as the last word was sneered at me with so much disgust and anger. My wide eyes instantly turned into slits, glaring at him with just as much hate and anger that I could muster up.
None the less, I leant down, and I heard the sobbing turn into blurred words.
"B-brother… F-Fratello l-l-loves me… b-but I can't l-love him b-back…"
All sort of pain ran through my veins at his words, and my skin had turned deathly pale. Words were being sneered at me.
"What a freak…"
"His brother of all people to pick!"
"Spain must be ashamed…"
"Why would Italy love him anyway? For one, Romano is his brother, and Romano has always been second best… Feli would go for someone his own standards"
Each comment was a bullet to my head, and that stupid bullet just wouldn't kill me.
The only people that weren't joining in with the hissing and growled was of course France, Hungary, Prussia and Spain (who at the moment was looking slightly confused)
Brat
Germany had called me a fucking brat.
"If anyone's a brat, it would be you potato sucker!" I screeched and jumped over Feli, crashing into Ludwig at the same time "If I'm going, I'm taking you down with me in hell bastard!"

Can you feel this pain
rushing through these veins
driving me insane,
but I won't break,


"What were you thinking, taking on someone that has twice the amount as muscle as you, Lovino? Are ya an idiot? My brother may not be as awesome as me, but he can sure kick ass!" Gilbert snapped angrily at me while Elizabeta was wiping the blood from my nose away. The fight had gotten messy.
I was left with a broken nose, two black eyes and my head had split slightly along the hairline. Though I was pretty please with that I left him with
It may be girly, but there were claw marks down his face, his nose was broken as well, and his jaw was fractured at the base.
"Fucking deserved it" I growled, turning away and spitting some blood on the floor "Why do you guys care anyway?"
"Because well, I've known all along, Lovi! When you were younger you were so protective over your brother, and well, I can just tell these things!" Elizabeta cooed, pulling at my cheek slightly. Since she was a girl, I had to be nice. So I just grumbled and looked away.
"Well, I care because… I know what you're going through. I used to be massively attracted to my bro before I met Mattie. Trust me, it doesn't last forever-
"Yeah… yeah, alright. I'm going to go guys, I've got things to take care of" I mumbled, standing up with a blank expression on my face.
"Lovino, don't do anything drastic, alright?" Elizabeta murmured, patting my head when she got up as well beside me. I gave her a half smile before walking away, not answering her questions.
I wonder which hurt less.
Drowning or a bullet to the head…

~ ~ ~
This was nicer… it would be nice to die here. A small smile graced my lips as I looked down at the glistening pool underneath me. It was a secret place I knew when I was younger, and on the hot days I would swim here when I wanted to be alone. The water was crystal clear, and the moon ray's that danced on the water made it even more beautiful
Small green weeds were growing along the bottom, and small fish were swimming and darting away when they saw my shadow over the water.
Ah… did I leave the letter?
Hmm… I'm sure I did. I had left a letter with my final words on them…

my hands were shaking as I wrote down the words on the thin piece of paper. I just hoped that this will be enough…

Dear whoever is reading this,

If you're looking for me, stop. I'm gone.
By the time you find this, I'll be dead, floating in a pool of water. I didn't see why I should carry on… I know I'm being dramatic.
I'm a bully to everyone, I'm in love with my brother, I nearly killed his husband, I lied so many times to Antonio…
I could continue, but I won't.
So do me a favour.
Tell Feliciano that I love him, and that I've always been happy for him, even if it has been killing me ever since he was married, and that I want him to be happy. Oh yeah, and also say that I'll haunt Ludwig's ass if he ever hurts my fratello.
Tell Antonio… well, tell him thank you. Tell him that I'm grateful for everything he's done for me, and that I'm sorry that I never said goodbye. I really did love him, with all my heart, but my brother was there as well.
And last by not least, tell those people who called me a freak, a disgusting animal… tell them that I'm not. Love is love, and it should never be judged, no matter the relationship between the two. It was none of their business if I was a freak, or that I was in love with my brother…
- Lovino Vargas, Nation of south Italy.

P.S I've always been a shadow. Feliciano will be able to look after our country by himself.


"… I better do this before they look for me… heh, the water looks so pretty, and it sparkles just like the stars… just like his eyes…"
And before I could take a breath, I was plunging forwards. The rock I had been balancing on was rather high, and my nose burst with pain as it hit the water, but I ignored it.
The cold water started to make my whole body numb, and I slowly peeled my eyes open. The water looked… beautiful.
A beautiful place for a bad person… it didn't fit.
My whole body bucked slightly at the need for air, but I wasn't going back up there. Instead, I focused on the stars and the moon above my, glistening in the waters light. Fish were swimming above me, their scales flashing in different shades of gold, red and white.
'I'll see you again one day, Fratello… and hopefully, we can love each other then…' and with those words in my head, the blackness engulfed my vision.

~ ~ ~
(Feliciano's P.O.V)

"Feli, come on, you haven't eaten for days!"
"Leave me alone, Ludwig!" I cried out angrily, my eyes shedding tears again and I sunk back down again, crying my eyes out into my tear soaked pillows.
"Why? FRATELLO, WHY?!" I screamed and cried, my body shuddering as new sobs rocked my sides. I can't believe… he just left like that.
Antonio found the note, and Gilbert found the body… Matthew told me what happened. They found him floating on clear water, and he had the most blissful look on his face…
' I've always been a shadow. Feliciano will be able to look after our country by himself'
"No! That's not true! Fratello, you've never been a shadow to me… if only you had told me, I would have told you that I loved you too…" I whimpered my body numb and emotionless. I did love my brother… no. I loved my brother. I was in love with him; but I was too terrified to tell him. If he had stayed a bit longer in that meeting, I could have told him.
I was so happy when I heard him scream in the hallway, that I burst into tears. Ludwig and I weren't actually in love with each other, but we did it because of me. I thought Lovino had suspected that I was in love with him, so in panic, Ludwig and I set up to get married.
I didn't realise it would end up killing him…
… I couldn't do this. It was too much, we were two halves, and we had to stick together. Whether it was the red string of fate, or just logic itself, I had to be with Lovi!
I was going out.
Rushing into my feet, I slammed open the door and hurried out. I could hear the rain slamming against the roof, but I didn't care.
No.
Nothing was going to stop me now.
"Huh? Feliciano, where are you going? You can't go out in this weather!" Ludwig yelled, and when I looked at him, his gaze was soft and concerned.
"Try and stop me" I snarled viciously, making shock flash in the Germans eyes. Huffing, I ran to the front door and hurled myself outside.
I had one destination in mind and that destination only.

~ ~ ~
I was panting and wheezing by the time I finally got to the lake where my brother was found, and I could see why he chose this place to pass on. The water looked so beautiful, like it was made out of crystal sheets…
Here I felt connected to him; it felt like he was here… I swear I could feel his warm hand on my shoulder and the murmur of love and adoration in my ear.
Turning around… I did see him.
But he was a mirage obviously, but I was taking it!
"L-Lovino…" I whispered, my shaking legs moving towards the grassy hill where he was now standing, a smile on his flushed face "L… LOVINO!"
Crying out, I raced towards him and crashed into him, and I could feel the warmth of him, the embrace of his arms wrapped around my waist.
"Hush, Feliciano. I'm here now, it's alright, calm down" His voice murmured into my ear, his hands rubbing small circles into my back.
"You can sleep now, I'll stay here…"
I did just as my brother said. With a small smile, I closed my eyes and nuzzled into his chest. Sleep was about take over, but I heard one last thing before I fell –
"I love you, Feli"

~ ~ ~
Italy was found the next morning, dead.
He died from hypothermia and his malnutrition and dehydration didn't help either. When he was found, they also found a note in his cold, stiff hands.
my brother was dead.
He was my other half. Without him, it was like half my body, soul and mind as gone. I would have died either way, even if I didn't come here. I'm with my Fratello now, and we can finally be together without being judged.
Feliciano Vargas, North Italy.

And that's what happened.
Brother was with brother, love was with love
And now they lived in the stars.

I won't look back tonight,
This is the time of my life,
Underneath these stars,
Dancing with a broken heart,
Fight fire with fire,
The truth to a liar
I'm going higher,
Dancing with a broken heart.
Q-Q Sorry that I've been so inactive. But I'm having so much fun on my ask account :XD:

Anyway, here's an angst Itacest story for you! :D

Don't worry, there's an Itacest lemon on the way~! ;)

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! :heart:
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:iconthedemidod:
thedemidod Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014
ohgodsohgodsohgodsohgodsohgods i'm crying this was awesome but sad
Reply
:iconwhitekittyninja:
whitekittyninja Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014  New member Hobbyist General Artist
:'( awesome but so sad!
Reply
:iconthe-otakuhime:
The-OtakuHime Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014
How dare you do this to me! I just came back from hetaoni :tears:
Reply
:iconsakura-kurofodu:
Sakura-Kurofodu Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014
watashi no kokoro... itai... ;_;
Reply
:iconawesomemaple:
AwesomeMaple Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  Hobbyist
My heart... it hurts Komari Kamikita (Crying) [V5] 
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:iconechoknows:
echoknows Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2014
I'm bawling why do you do this to me
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:iconinsanity-potion:
Insanity-Potion Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
NO. NO. DON'T CRY YOU LITTLE SHIT. STAHP IT. NO-....Well, shit. ;-;
Reply
:iconseveretsundere:
SevereTsundere Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
*manly tears* well there go the feels-
Reply
:iconsterekforeva:
sterekforeva Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh god I read this while listening to the song and I just can't handle it
Reply
:iconmeerkatlover27:
meerkatlover27 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
//omfg ow
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